You Can’t Love Someone Out of Their Trauma...And Why It’s Not Your Job. (Part 2)

This is the second part of a 2 part blog post. You can read part 1 by clicking this link.

When we care about someone who is hurting, it’s only natural to want to help.

It’s tempting to think that if we just love them enough, stay patient enough, offer enough second chances…maybe we can "prove" that not everyone will hurt them.

Maybe we can be the one who finally breaks the cycle.

But here's the hard truth: You cannot love someone out of their trauma.

Trying to do so can leave you exhausted, hurt, and even traumatized yourself.

The Savior Trap

When you see the pain behind someone’s anger, sabotage, or withdrawal, it’s easy to slip into the role of the rescuer. You may feel like:

• It’s your responsibility to “show” them healthy love

• If you leave, you’re abandoning them like everyone else

• You’re strong enough to “handle” their worst moments

• Their healing is proof of your love—or your worth

But this is a trap.

Because no matter how much you love someone, you cannot heal wounds you didn’t cause. Healing is an inside job. and it requires willingness, insight, and active participation from the hurt person themselves.

No one else can walk that path for them.

Why It Hurts You, Too

Trying to be someone’s emotional savior often leads to:

• Feeling constantly hurt, confused, and disappointed

• Being blamed for things you didn’t do

• Sacrificing your own needs, boundaries, and well-being

• Losing yourself in someone else’s struggles

• Staying in situations that harm you, hoping they’ll change

Over time, you may start feeling the same hopelessness, confusion, and isolation that the “hurt person” feels. You may even begin believing their narrative: that closeness always leads to pain.

This isn’t strength. It’s self-abandonment.

And it helps no one—not you, and not them.

What Real Healing Requires

Change starts when the hurt person:

• Recognizes their patterns (with compassion, not shame)

• Understands how past wounds are shaping their present behavior

• Takes responsibility for their own healing

• Builds new emotional skills and strategies

• Perseveres through setbacks without giving up

Therapy can help.

In fact, therapists are trained to recognize emotional "booby traps"—the patterns and defense mechanisms people use without realizing it—and carefully disarm them.

This work is often delicate, messy, and painful. But it’s also profoundly transformative. No one can be forced into this journey.

They must choose it.

And the best thing you can do for someone stuck in a cycle of hurt... is to step out of the savior role, care for yourself, and allow them the dignity of finding their own path forward.

If You Recognize Yourself in This

If reading this makes you realize you’ve been trying to “save” someone at the cost of your own well-being—please hear this:

You are not failing them by choosing yourself.

You are not cruel for protecting your heart.

You are not selfish for having boundaries.

Healing your own patterns—whether they involve rescuing others or tolerating unhealthy behavior—is part of creating the kind of life and relationships you truly deserve.

Therapy isn’t just for people stuck in the cycle of hurt.

It’s also for those who have been drawn into it, who are ready to choose something different.

You deserve peace, connection, and happiness, too.

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If this post resonated with you, or if you see yourself in these patterns and want help navigating out of them—reach out. Therapy is a space where these cycles can be explored, challenged, and changed. Click the button below to request a FREE 15-20 minute conversation

Click For A FREE 15-20 Min, Conversation

About Me

My name is Daniel Barrera, M.Ed., C.A.R.T., LPC A and I am a licensed professional counselor here in Texas. I help individuals untangle the roots of emotional pain and build healthier relationships—especially with themselves. With a strong belief in the power of self-awareness and compassion, I offer therapy that goes beyond symptom management and into meaningful change.

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Blog Disclaimer

The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship, and the information provided should not be used as a substitute for personalized mental health treatment.

If you are experiencing distress, struggling with your mental health, or believe you may have a mental health condition, please consult a licensed mental health professional who can assess your unique situation and provide appropriate guidance.

In case of a mental health emergency, please seek immediate support by contacting 911 or a mental health crisis hotline such as 988, reaching out to a qualified professional, or going to your nearest emergency facility.