Is It Really About My Mother? And Why Does My Relationship With Her Affect How Therapy Unfolds?
- DBarrera_813
- May 7
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 1
Mother’s Day can stir up a tender kind of chaos. For some, it’s a day of gratitude and celebration. For others, it brings grief, guilt, anger, or a mix of all of the above. As someone in therapy—you might notice a familiar theme rising again and again: “Is this really about my mother?”
The First Mirror: How Our Mothers Shape Us
Our relationship with our mother—or the person who mothered us—forms the blueprint for how we understand connection, safety, and love.
Whether that bond was nurturing, complicated, distant, or chaotic, it left a mark. It taught us, often before we could speak, whether the world was predictable or unpredictable, whether love meant comfort or confusion.
Psychologists refer to this as attachment theory, which describes how our early caregiving experiences shape the way we connect with others. If we had a secure bond, we likely learned to trust and regulate our emotions with support.
But if our early environment was marked by inconsistency, emotional absence, or intrusion, we might have developed anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles.
So when therapy starts poking around the places that hurt—whether in relationships, self-worth, or emotional regulation—it’s no surprise that those old patterns resurface. And often, they lead back to Mom.
Why She Shows Up in the Therapy Room
One of therapy’s most powerful (and often frustrating) features is transference—the unconscious process of transferring feelings we had toward significant people in our past (often caregivers) onto our therapist.
Suddenly, we’re reliving old dynamics: craving approval, bracing for criticism, feeling abandoned, misunderstood, or overly dependent.
The therapy space becomes a kind of emotional time machine. And the mother relationship is often the first stage where these dynamics were rehearsed.
This doesn’t mean everything in therapy is about your mother.
But it often begins with her, because she was likely the first person who taught you what closeness felt like—or what it didn’t.
Therapy helps surface and sometimes rewire those early emotional templates, which is why your mother’s presence may loom large, even if she’s not literally in the room.
It’s Not About Blame—It’s About Insight
Here’s the part that requires compassion: exploring our mother relationship is not about casting blame. It’s about gaining clarity.
Many mothers did the best they could with what they had.
Some were overwhelmed, unsupported, or carrying their own unresolved trauma. Some were loving but emotionally limited. Others may have caused real harm, even with the best of intentions.
Therapy invites us to examine that relationship honestly—not to assign guilt, but to understand how those early experiences shaped our inner world.
When we explore the roots, we often find room to grieve, forgive, set boundaries, or reclaim parts of ourselves we had to hide to survive.
Honoring the Complexity This Mother’s Day
So what do we do with all this on a holiday that tends to simplify or sentimentalize the mother-child bond?
We make space for complexity.
Maybe Mother’s Day brings up memories of warmth and support. Maybe it surfaces loss, tension, or longing for a relationship that never quite was. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, your experience is valid. You are allowed to hold gratitude and grief at the same time.
If you’re looking to reflect more deeply this week, try asking yourself:
• What did I learn about love from my mother?
• What did I have to suppress in order to feel safe or accepted?
• How have I repeated—or resisted—those patterns in my adult relationships?
• What do I want to reclaim or rewrite for myself now?
In Closing: It’s Not Just About Her—But It Often Starts There
The truth is, your therapy probably isn’t just about your mother.
But it may start there because she helped write your first emotional script.
By revisiting those early chapters, you gain the power to edit the story—to live with more agency, self-awareness, and compassion.
So this Mother’s Day, whether you’re celebrating, mourning, or somewhere in between, remember: doing this work isn’t indulgent.
It’s brave.
And you’re not alone in it.
If today’s post stirred something in you—curiosity, discomfort, or even a quiet sense of recognition—I invite you to sit with it a little longer.
Take 10 minutes this week to journal your thoughts using one of the reflection prompts above. Be honest. Be gentle. This is not about judgment—it’s about meeting yourself with truth and care.
If you're in therapy, consider bringing these reflections into your next session.
If you're not, this could be a powerful starting point for personal exploration—or even reaching out for support.
If this post resonated with you, share it with someone else who might be unpacking their own story this Mother’s Day.
You never know who needs permission to feel what they feel.
My name is Daniel Barrera, M.Ed., C.A.R.T., LPC A and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate here in Texas. I help individuals untangle the roots of emotional pain and build healthier relationships—especially with themselves. With a strong belief in the power of self-awareness and compassion, I offer therapy that goes beyond symptom management and into meaningful change.
Blog Disclaimer
The content on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional mental health care. Reading these posts does not establish a therapeutic relationship, and the information provided should not be used as a substitute for personalized mental health treatment.
If you are experiencing distress, struggling with your mental health, or believe you may have a mental health condition, please consult a licensed mental health professional who can assess your unique situation and provide appropriate guidance.
In case of a mental health emergency, please seek immediate support by contacting 911 or a mental health crisis hotline such as 988, reaching out to a qualified professional, or going to your nearest emergency facility.
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